For Anton.....

Once upon on time I knew I could fly. If I closed my eyes,wished hard enough, and said the magic words, I could fly. I knew because Anton told me I could.

Once upon a time, I knew I'd be the best prima ballerina, an Oscar winning actress and a millionaire. I knew I could do it, because Anton told me I would.

When we were young, my uncle Anton was my life coach, my playmate, my teacher, my inspiration and my partner in crime. He assumed in the most nonchalant way, that we would always succeed in whatever we had planned. So I had no reason to doubt it, as long as he was right next to me. I knew was good enough, probably better than most, because he told me. I knew I was smart enough, talented enough, because he told me. We played together, learned together and fought together. We finished each other's sentences, if we felt the need to talk at all. Whatever the other was feeling we just knew. At only 2 years apart we were twins in our souls. Inseparable for our entire childhood, now matter how crazy it got, he was my home.

When Anton left for college in Arizona I was 16. It felt as some vital organ in my body was being amputated. It was my first real heartbreak. I know my hysterical tears in the airport must have embarrassed him but he he didn't say anything. I felt lost those first few months without him so close by, like a phantom limb you keep trying to use. I was incomplete, not myself. I didn't know who I was, when I wasn't us. It was really hard to learn.

By the time he returned to the east coast, we weren't twins anymore but still more brother and sister than uncle and niece. I felt right again. But I had learned a little bit about being on my own. Not enough to like it, but enough to know I'd survive. Anton told me I would,

And then he left again, This time to Europe to perform in a musical. I was so very proud and so very sad. I was even angry. How could he leave me? These were our dreams, we were supposed to live them together. And I was afraid. I didn't dance the same after that. I kept feeling like I couldn't find the rhythm. Maybe I couldn't dance without my partner. Or maybe I just needed to look at his face to know that I had done it right. Eventually I stopped dancing and found new dreams, separate from the the kind of life we had planned as children.

Now we have totally opposite lives. I stayed close to family, he left the country. I got married, he came out. I drive carpools while he jet-sets through Europe. I don't regret our choices, only that we lost our friendship with them.  We see each other on every other Christmas or if he comes to here to work. We aren't twins, but we can still finish each other's sentences. I don't talk to him nearly as much as I want to, but I think about him all the time. I know this isn't a tragedy, we grew up, we grew apart. It's just .....Anton never told me we would.

Bad Mommy Moment #3062

For the most part I think I'm a good mom...At least my kids seem to think so. Well at least they rarely throw tomatoes and scream "you suck!" So I'm taking that as a win . But there is one mommy duty in which  I consistently receive a fail! It hurts me to have to admit this to you all.

I am the absolutely worst tooth fairy in the entire world. I never remember to do my toothy thing. This is the third kid losing teeth so you'd think I'd have this down to a science by now. I mean how hard is it, kids puts tooth under pillow, I wait until kid falls asleep and replace tooth with money easy peasy right?? WRONG!!  I always, always, always, forget. I don't know why. I get excited for them when they lose their teeth, maybe slightly queasy when they insist on showing the bloody hole(gag!) But by the time they go to bed and out that precious tiny tooth under their pillows... I completely zone out.

So last week on Sunday Syd loses another tooth at this point she's losing them way faster than they are growing back and I'm beginning to research baby dentures. And we do the whole "Omigosh! That's so awesome routine". And then we go on about our day. apparently she puts under her pillow Sunday night, and Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday night as I'm kissing her good night she says "Maybe I should sleep with my tooth next to me on my pillow because the tooth fairy can't find it. I keep putting my tooth under my pillow but it's still there everyday when I wake up. Maybe she can't see it?"

I'm thinking F%&K me, I can't believe I did it again! But I say don't worry I'll text her tonight and remind her and tell her where to look She says in wide eyed wonder" You have her phone number?" Of course I do, now get to bed!

I go to to tell hubby. I screwed up the fairy thing again. He reassures me that I'm a good mom and it's not a big deal and then says I'll make sure we remember tonight.
He reminds me, Syd gets her dollar. Thursday when she wakes up and we are all smiles.

And then Syd comes home from school Thursday with...Ta dahhh!! Another freakin baby tooth in a little envelope. We do the that's so awesome dance and get on with the day and night...and of course I forget to even tell Hubby so obviously the tooth fairy doesn't show up...except that Sydney wakes up singing I got another dollar from the tooth fairy...and I'm all like holy crap I forgot..ohh wait maybe I guess I didn't..I go to Hubby Did you give Sydney a dollar for her tooth, he's all like..wha?? And so that's when I start thinking , maybe cut out that half glass a wine at night I "occasionally" sip.... I rush about the morning routine with the mysterious tooth fairy still nagging in the back of my mind. And then as I drop off Summer for school as she removes her ear buds just long enough to say "oh by the way you owe me a dollar,,I gave it to Sydney for her tooth and I put the tooth on your dresser because I knew you would forget."

I give her an extra dollar and tell her she can most definitely take over tooth fairy duties from now on to which she agrees to by saying "swag" as she put her music back on and hops out of the car.

Everybody is happy, Sydney's got her dollar, Summer has a new job, and Mommy gets to keep her wine Whew!!! Crisis averted for today at least..

What mommy job can you just not get right???

Allow me to reintroduce myself...

You know that feeling when you have when you've neglected a good friend, maybe you've forgotten a birthday or missed an important event. Not purposely of course, just life got in the way, you just got caught up in well...life. And then more times go by and now it's too late to casually mention it, so it gets more and more awkward...yeah well so here I am...back..I could give you 10 million reasons why I was on a hiatus but really life is my only excuse... So what have I been doing?....Bunch a stuff I promise to write all about soon, but for now let me just say hello, I've missed you, and I hope you missed me too....

P.S. All my readers know how dear Autism Awareness is to my heart...here's a link to my interview with Parenting Magazine about Autism: What we know right now...check it out

http://www.cnn.com/2013/04/16/health/autism-facts

Talk to you soon..Buh Bye

Finding Sydney's Heart

I guess you could say I am an affectionate mom. My kids and I are very physical and verbal with our love. We say I love you, like a lot. I didn't think I would be this way, I definitely didn't grow up that way. So I probably over do it a bit.It's very lucky for me that my kids suck it up. It's can be slightly weird. I have a love affair with my kids, I mean this in the most pure way. They aren't babies anymore, usually kids this age start to push mommy away right? At least that's what I keep hearing. Thank God no one told my kids.

Summer's an official teenager now. 13!! Yikes right? And she's almost as tall as I am! Thirteen-year-olds are so not into mommy time and snuggles right? WRONG Not mine! At least a couple of nights a week you'll find us snuggled in my big bed pushing my poor hubby to the couch.Heads together, hands intertwined watching a movie or browsing YouTube until we fall asleep her head on my shoulder. She loves it, I live for it. She never leaves the house without hugging me, I need it. I rely on it.

DJ is the most romantic ten-year-old ever! Seriously....he's going to make some lucky girl's day, every day.
At an age when most boys wouldn't caught dead giving their mom a kiss in front of their class. He holds my face when he kisses me at the school bus stop and looks me dead in the eye when he says, have a good day Mommy, I'll be back soon. It's like he's going off to fight is some war, every day he's that intense. It's hysterical to me, and necessary for me.

And Spike, I can admit he may border on obsessive  Everyday when he wakes up, he says Mommy you're here! As if he's afraid I disappeared the night before. For a child on the spectrum, showing affection isn't common but with me Spike is different, He actually offers hugs and kisses rather than grudgingly accepting them. I admit while I love how he expresses his love, It can be almost suffocating, sometimes I feel like he wants back in the womb!!

Every day and night in all these loving rituals, one person is missing.....Sydney.

She's just not that into me.

I think I only noticed it about a 6 months ago. That's terrible right? But once I did, I realized she's always been a bit let's call it..hmm.... reserved. I think someone had bought her a gift and I had to practically push her in to hug them. Or rather let them hug her, she looked trapped and she could not wait to escape.
When the kids come off the bus and I hug them and kiss them she kind of stands there and looks slightly pained as if she is trying to do me a favor. If someone says I love you , like out of the blue or unprovoked, she'll stammer out an "Okay". So after she said that to me for millionth time, I said but Syd I said I love you what do you say " She says umm Thank you?" I think she's always been this way. And so I went on a mission to find out why. I tried to analyze where I went wrong,. I cuddled, I hugged, I breastfed until she self weaned, I couldn't figure out where I failed. I obsessed on this ( I admit I tend to do that) And got some great advice from my dad "Man Syd ain't about that life" (This was his actual answer) After a while I figured I'll just have to deal with it.

Then one day I was cleaning out the kids old art projects to get ready for the millions of handprint turkeys and stick figure drawings sure to take over my house every school year and I come across Sydney's big Red Valentines Heart with the Cheerios glued on it from preschool, it says "Sydney loves mommy" in her crooked and backward lettered handwriting. And tears sprung to my eyes. Then I find a construction paper candy cane that says "I love U mom". These make me smile, I wanna dance a victory dance, see she does like me! Maybe I'm onto something..I take a walk (okay maybe I ran)to our overcrowded refrigerator/ art gallery . In the flutter of DJ's superheroes and aliens and Summer's water color sunsets, and Spike's weird egg shaped guy he repeatedly draws, I notice all of Sydney's pictures have a theme..Me! We are on the swings, we are at the park, we are being chased by a rabbit..I'm not gonna even ask about that, and she writes notes on them, "I love Mom", "Sydney and Mom", "Sydney loves Mom". So of course now I am relieved and overjoyed.

I'm also reminded of a lesson I thought I had learned, everybody doesn't express love the same. I know I can't expect Syd to love me the way Summer  does or Spike does or even the way I love her. So I will love her my way and be forever grateful that she loves me in hers. And if I'm ever in doubt I'll always have that red Cheerios heart.