Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Can your marriage be saved?

This is a question that has been asked by many a couple in trouble. I've been asked personally and have even asked the question about my own marriage from time to time. Every marriage goes through tough times. Mundane disagreements aren't a reason to consider divorce. Sow how do you know if your marriage or relationship is entering the danger zone? While there are huge red flags like abuse, addiction, and serial cheating that warrant an intervention, a lawyer, a doctor, or a priest (maybe all three), there are some times when the situation is a bit more subtle. Here are some telltale signs that you should watch for.

  1. You don't talk anymore. I don't just mean you're giving the silent treatment. after an argument. I mean are you talking about your day, your job, friends your feeling. Are you talking about your marriage? Are you sharing your dreams and your fears? Or are you just talking about who forgot to take out the trash and who's turn it is to carpool? A lack of personal intimate exchanges with your spouse could mean big trouble.
  2. You've already "un-coupled" if you have you stopped even trying to spend time together. Do you only come together for the kids and lead separate lives otherwise? Are you making weekend plans without even considering your spouse? Do either of you spend all your free time online or with friends to avoid being with each other. If it feels like a relief to be away from your mate. You have already disengaged from the marriage.
  3. You start keeping a scorecard. You used to give and take freely in your relationship, but now you are playing tit for tat. If you start actively keeping mental notes comparing how much you are contributing and how much your partner isn't, something is amiss.
  4. He can do no right. Are you constantly criticizing him? Or maybe you feel like your every move is being watched and nitpicked? Sometimes its easier to funnel larger issues into negative criticisms of day to day tasks than to address what's really bothering us.
  5. One or both of you is cheating or dancing dangerously close to it. This one is a no-brainer.If you are sleeping with someone else, your marriage is in trouble. Maybe you're having an emotional affair or engaging in an online relationship. All of these these mean trouble for your marriage. I believe you can have a happy marriage after an infidelity but it takes an awesome amount of work on both parts.
  6.  Maybe you're not having sex outside or inside your relationship. When couples lose their physical connection, often times the emotional connection soon follows.
If you find that you are experiencing one or more of these situations in your marriage it's time to take step back and re-evaluate your relationship. While these can be serious relationship quandaries, you aren't beyond help. You can definitely seek out professional help or maybe your pastor, priest or rabbi. However, maybe one (or both) of you aren't comfortable with the idea of a third party in your relationship. This doesn't mean you can't save your own marriage. I did.  And in this upcoming blog series, I'm going to show you how I did it in the hopes that maybe I can help someone else.

Stay tuned for the 1st episode in the Save Your Marriage Series : Reevaluate Your Relationship.....


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Lucky

I know I'm married to a good guy. I know I have a good marriage. But sometimes in the crazy pace of life, I forget just how lucky I am. Thank God I am often reminded

My good friend and business partner Felicia came to pick me up on a hectic morning, I was running late and we were behind schedule for an important meeting. As I gathered my things she made small talk with my hubby, who was making breakfast for the kids and starting some of our regular weekend chores. She praised him for being such a good husband and made a mention of how lucky I was, a comment to which at her I rolled my eyes. To my husband I simply reminded him that he forgot again to take out the garbage, and that I would probably kill him if he forgot again. I rushed out to my meeting without giving our exchange a second thought.

However, my friend wasn't letting me off that easy. She is a single mother who constantly struggles with her son's father after a long relationship ruined by his inability to recognize how lucky he was. She isn't the type of girl who minces words at all. And she let me have it with both barrels. First she told me" I need you married women to act right, so us single girls can get a chance, try not to F*#k it up for us!" I tried to laugh it off, but I had to take a step back and look at it from another perspective. She wasn't alone in her opinion, most of my single girlfriends say I'm lucky or admire my relationship with my husband. I wondered would anyone say the same to my husband? I thought about my attitude that morning and a lot of other mornings and had to think, probably not. And just to rub it in further, she says "You don' realize how rare what you have is. You got to marry the man you fell in love with, the man you had children with, the one you actually wanted to marry. Not the man that stuck around, not the man that just happened to have some health insurance, or could maybe help with your bills. You married your dream man, and that's some special shit" Obviously my dear friend has a way with words. But she was right on every count.

As busy moms, we can get so caught up with kids and careers and chores and bills, that we  get tunnel vision and forget to glance to the side and see the partner who is always down in that tunnel digging through with us. It's easy to get so caught up in your routine that you take your partner for granted. We need to take some time out to make our husbands feel lucky. Especially if you have a great one like mine.

After being so thoroughly chastised, I made a point to text my husband after my meeting to let him know how much I appreciate  him and how lucky I am to have him in my life. And that if he didn't take out the garbage I'd choke him...